Out Ofstep:

special measures for failing Morris sides

Out Ofstep brings Morris into the 21st century. Working in conjunction with some of the country’s leading universities, the JMO has developed mobile phone based technology designed synchronise a sides’ performance. Using motion capture technology and EMS (Electrical Muscle Stimulation) the performance of one dancer can be “imposed” on to another.


As No 1 takes a step, sensors detect the movement and instantly trigger small electric shocks in the muscles of the rest of the side, resulting in near perfect synchronisation. An app can be used to link the correct muscle combinations. By Selecting the relevant tradition you can have outside foot, right foot, left foot, ranting, single step, the list is virtually endless.


Lasers, widely used in industry, are deployed to give perfect straight lines. Research has shown that the smell of burning flesh (your own flesh in particular) encourages dancers to stay in lines that foremen can only dream off. When combined with the wizzy spinny things used in supermarket scanners, the lasers weave complex patterns that make rapper look positively tame.


To minimise cost Morris sides are encouraged to join the same mobile phone network. O2 have agreed to offer a special tariff, to be known as JMO2.

Musicians will also come in for a bashing.  This is a tough call as they already come in for a bashing anyway. The Out Ofstep technology can deliver music straight to the ears of the dancers, no longer can the dancers blame their poor timing on the time it takes for the music to leave the band and get to their ears. 


However, it will be possible to monitor every push and pull, every half holed note, every mis-bowed semi-quaver.  Software will layer the As and Bs (and slows if applicable). Fast Fourier transforms will pick out the embellishments, the missing notes, the wrong notes, the bum notes, and a report will be emailed directly to Cecil Sharp House. The technology to replace musicians totally has existed for many years, a pianola was patented in 1842. So musicians should be careful !